I was on my way back to the hospital determined that after this visit, I would return home with my baby, and luckily for me, I did.
And my what a year it's been!
I remember starting off by being in a baby bubble of "am I doing this right?" "what if I get her in a bad habit" "how can I get more sleep" etc etc. I breastfed Violet for her first week, something I now feel I could maybe have managed longer for if I wasn't talked out of it by a midwife!
I want to remember all the little things, mostly because they're the first things you forget.
I remember being in the birthing pool and cradling her in my hands the second she was born.
I remember seeing her face for the first time and even though she was covered in a sticky mess she still looked beautiful and had a really cute pout.
I remember seeing Anthony hold her for the first time with a look of both complete fear and sheer total happiness on his face.
I remember the first time I fed her, and it felt like nothing could go wrong in the world.
I remember being in the post natal ward and feeling very lonely.
I remember not wanting to put her down in the hospital crib because she looked so much cosier on me.
I remember waiting for Anthony to bring the car round to the hospital entrance and catching a glimpse of my soft, smaller belly in the window.
I remember that her skin felt like velvet and smelled like fluffy towels.
I remember all the snoozy sleepy cuddles, rocking her to sleep, patting her to sleep, taking her in the car to sleep, (you can see a recurring theme here I'm sure!)
I remember the way her fists seemed to be clenched together for weeks and weeks and how she always had them up beside her head at bathtime.
I remember how she had gloopy eyes and how gently and carefully we had to clean them.
I remember the sound of Ewan the Dream Sheep in the middle of the night and Ant swinging the crib with his foot to make her sleep.
I remember being scared of her umblilical cord stump and always trying to keep it clean.
I remember seeing her smiling when she was just a couple of days old and trying to figure out if it was wind.
I remember watching Wimbledon and having her in her moses basket sleeping soundly throughout the Murray/Federer final.
I remember being terrified of Anthony going back to work.
I remember sitting in the bathroom and crying for 45 minutes for no reason whatsoever.
I remember bursting into tears in Tesco because I had gone out on my own for the first time.
I remember how it felt to not be able to stand up from sitting without feeling like I should be given a gold medal.
I remember savlon baths and smelling like an old biddy.
I remember waking up to find Anthony asleep downstairs with her nestled in his dressing gown and it making me cry.
I remember that she first laughed for me while in the bath because I made duck noises at her.
I remember how she used to stare at trees and the sky during the summery days.
I remember when it was too hot and waking up all night long to check she was ok and not too hot.
I remember being scared of weaning.
I remember the mess of weaning.
I remember resenting annabel karmel and her perfect recipes.
I remember thinking Gina Ford was the devil.
I remember throwing the Gina Ford book in the freezer.
I remember a little bit of Gina Ford can work when you tweak it and stop trying to follow it exactly.
I remember being intimidated by other mothers at baby group.
I remember how much Violet loved meeting new babies.
I remember that she was wearing her pink with grey stars sleepsuit when she first sat up on her own when she was 18 weeks old.
I remember how excited we were about her first Christmas and how she thought snow was for eating.
I remember feeling proud and excited that she started rolling (properly) on New Years Day.
I remember how nice it was to always have people comment on how happy she is and that she will always smile at people when we go places.
I remember the sleep regression phase.
I remember having no sleep.
I remember feeling like things will never get easier.
I remember feeling happy that things got easier!
I remember the day she walked holding my hands.
I remember the day she was really poorly and I cried because I couldn't make her better.
I remember the day she ate a roast dinner and I felt like the proudest mama ever because I knew all the hard work with weaning had finally paid off.
I remember every single thing about her, her smell, the way her nose squishes when she gets really excited, the way her toes curl like mine, the way her fingernails are curved, the way her hair curls at the nape of her neck, the way she laughs at her Daddy, the way she rubs her eyes when shes tired, the way she flaps her arms when shes flustered, the way her lip curls when shes really sad and the way her eyes puff when shes really happy.
Most of all, I remember that she is my baby daughter, she was made in my belly and I brought her into this world safe and sound.
Happy 1 Year Birthday Violet
