To sleep, perchance to dream

So this week has been, well, horrendous.
I myself had a pretty bad start feeling particularly run down/lonely/pathetic.
Monday was an ok day, relatively normal.

Tuesday, again, day was ok, but at midnight that night, BAM, the wailing started. literally on and off until 7am. Worried was not the word. Note: Violet isn't (or at least hasn't been up until now) a big crier.

Wednesday morning was a particularly slow period, Violet napped with me at lunch time and when she woke up she seemed really out of sorts. She was just sat with me quietly and then she just went all limp and lifeless, needless to say my stomach turned as she was really unresponsive and I ran upstairs with her to get the thermometer, her temperature was 41.5, so as you can imagine I panicked and was shaking like a leaf while trying to carry my baby. I quickly called the doctors and got an appointment for an hour later. I called Ant at work and asked him to come home so I could get the car, he said he would leave right away. I stripped Violet off completely and put her in a cool/lukewarm bath and wet her hair to help cool her down, she cried because obviously it was a bit cold and she was so warm, I felt terrible. I got the calpol and tried to give her some. She is becoming very reluctant to being fed medicine now so this was quite a challenge. I must have only got half a dose down her. I made her a drink and tried to get her to sip it. Ant arrived shortly after this and she sat with him quietly and I had a very long quiet cry.
We left for the doctors and her temperature was still a little high, I was still shaking. He said he thought she might have a little throat infection and prescribed antibiotics and rest. In my head I was thinking "how am I going to get her to take it if she won't even have calpol?!" The doctor was so lovely, trying to calm me down by making it all light hearted and joking thay maybe she might grow a third leg if I gave her antibiotics!
We got the medicine and went home.
That night was pretty rough. She got upset when we tried give her medicine but had most of her bottle and went to bed easily. I had another very long cry!
She woke up at around 1am and was really upset, like inconsolable. Ant ended up asleep with her in the chair in her nursery for a while until he put her back in her cot and she slept until 6am.

Thursday was an awful day, I was so tired as I hadn't slept from worrying. She was tetchy all day and I was too exhausted to go for a walk. She cried every time I tried to leave the room, like the moment I stood up to go somewhere she started moaning, and pretty much didn't stop all day. Needless to say I was happy to have Ant home at 4:30.
Thursday night was awful again. She went to bed fine and woke at 11 in a frantic state screaming to be picked up. We tried settling her and putting her back to bed but she would just cry her heart out the moment we put her down. We tried for ages to get her to sleep with us but because she's not used to it, she doesn't settle easily. Ant ended up with her sleeping with him in the spare room until 4am, then I took her in with me as she was dozy and Ant hadn't really slept so she napped with me until 7am.

By Friday I was ready to put my head through a wall so I got showered, dressed and ready and hiked up to Aycliffe (where I'm from) to see whoever was free! Violet was really good all day. We went to see my brother James and Violet met Flossy my westie dog which she loved. We then walked to meet my friend Jemma outside my old primary school as she was being a stand-in dinner lady that day, we walked to pick her little boy Riley up from her mam's house (everywhere is walkable in Aycliffe, its awesome) then we walked into town and sat in a cafe for a drink and a catch up. We haven't seen each other in donkey years and we both had babies at around the same time so we have kept in touch via texts and facebook quite a bit. The babies were happy and played and shared toys together.
I then took Violet to my Dad's shop in the town as he was going to do Violet's passport photos for me and I picked a frame and mount for a cross stitch that I finished for Violet (they make frames at his shop). Again, she was good as gold and charmed all the customers as well as her Grandad.
I was quietly hopeful that Friday night would be a good one because she'd had a good day. When we got home she was a bit sleepy but generally ok and ate most of her dinner. She was happy in her bath like she usually is and had her bottle and went to sleep and was out for the count by 7:30pm.
We had the same problem of waking at around midnight, screaming, crying, wanting to be cuddled, until the small hours, once again, exhausted.

Saturday we decided not to mope around the house so got ready and drove up to Otley. We parked at the Chevin Forest and sauntered down into the town. It was a lovely day. We sat outside a pub to give Violet her lunch and had a drink, wandered around a bit more and ended up by a lake where we saw a black swan which I have never seen before. We hiked up the massive hill back to the car (Violet was asleep by this point) we sat quietly to recuperate while Violet napped (we must be really unfit but in our defence the hill was huge and we were pushing a pram and carrying bags) and talked about how we would try and deal with her sleeping issues and how we would try and keep each other sane, and once she was awake we drove home. We hoped because she'd had a nice day that maybe she will sleep well that night. Then we got home.
Then the whining started, and carried on until bathtime, by which time we were all a little bit fractious!
She was, again, happy in the bath and had half her bottle and some teetha granules, she had a bit of a whinge when she was put in her cot but fell asleep after about 10 minutes.
At 8:45pm she woke up and was crying uncontrollably. We attempted to do a bit of controlled crying until 9:30pm but to no avail. So Ant went up and settled her with him in the spare room and she was properly asleep by 10:15, so he put her back in her cot. She slept until 4:15 when she woke up hysterical again, so Ant took her in the spare room again and managed to get her off to sleep eventually and she slept until 7am. I, on the other hand, was awake for ages reading numerous articles online about sleep regression, pros and cons of controlled crying, bad sleep habits, pros and cons of co sleeping, needless to say I had a very over-worked brain! (Note: do not google your worries in the middle of the night, it just makes you feel worse!)

Which takes me to Sunday (today). We both woke up feeling stressed and a bit tetchy, we had friends coming at 11 to help take the weight off and play with Violet. Ant seemed completely pooped so I took Violet downstairs while he snoozed. She's been fairly happy all day, crawling around and playing, having a go on her swing and a few naps. It was really nice to have some friends come over to take our minds off feeling like zombies. Jo brought homemade reeces cupcakes for us which was lovely.
I feel quite anxious about how tonight is going to go. Ant is on call and at work tomorrow so I'm in charge tonight.

It's been a really, really hard week. Mainly because in the early weeks I worked really hard to make Violet contented and independent and she has always slept well since she was 10 weeks old, so naturally this is all a bit of a shock to the system. I really hope that it is a blip and hopefully it's either her teeth giving her problems or a temporary separation anxiety issue and will pass in time.
On top of this she has pretty much refused any food I have made her and all finger foods and will only eat the odd rice cake or blackberry for snacks, I resorted to jars or pouches of baby food, which she will eat in no time at all. Obviously, I also googled pros and cons of feeding babies jars of food, which obviously made me feel like a terrible parent!

Not everyone will know that I am quite a self-depricating person and generally lack in self esteem, this does not help with my day to day worries about Violet. This week has really heightened these feelings for me and I've had moments where I'm sure it's all my fault and moments where I feel like maybe I should leave and it will help Violet, all ridiculous I know, but when you're in the middle of a baby-blip, you're tired, your family are all far away, your friends aren't around, you have no self confidence and wonder why anyone would even want to be your friend, its very difficult to pull yourself out! I avoided social networks for most of the week, as really, when you feel this low, who wants to read/see photos of everyones "perfect" lives?! They were having a really negative effect on me, obviously this was just due to sleep deprivation and stress, but I just thought it best to keep them at arms length until things brighten up.

I have to add that Ant has been brilliant this week. I know he is really exhausted too, but he has been really understanding and is trying to get me to stop being hard on myself (an endless battle in this house!) thankfully we haven't argued this week, which is a testament to our relationship.
He has just taken her for her bath and has fed Violet her bedtime bottle, so I am going to do my nightly routine of tidying the kitchen, putting all the baby stuff away so our living room is ready for grown-ups chill out time. Then I am going to say a little prayer and hope to all the gods in this world that Violet is slightly more settled tonight. If she's not, I am going to do my best to suck up the anxiety, give her a cuddle and hope to the high heavens I don't get her into a dreaded "bad sleeping habit".
Here's to a new week...