What has made me have this realisation? My daughter having her first proper illness.
Thinking about when it started, it was Monday lunchtime when Violet didn't want to eat any lunch, I thought she was just being fussy and naturally I was getting annoyed. So lunch was scrapped and she went for a short nap. She seemed ok in herself, if a little quiet but I was hopeful for a more successful dinner time, oh how wrong I was! Once again, more fussing, we tried different foods, new foods, finger foods, puree, in hindsight I now feel terrible at not realising something was wrong. So dinner was given up on and she went off for a bath. She had her usual 9oz bedtime bottle which she guzzled happily as always and went off to the land of nod easy peasy.
We went to bed early as we were both feeling poorly. At midnight I woke up hearing Ant rustling around in Violet's room, I simply thought she'd done a dirty nappy and he was changing her, I went to dim the light on my way to the bathroom and heard him say "Vic, come here something's wrong", when I entered and saw my baby covered in vomit, her cot covered in it, the walls covered in it, the remnants of an explosive nappy and vomit covered muslins on the floor, my heart dropped and a rush of panic washed over me.
Violet has only ever had a snuffly cold, which lasted no longer than a day and she always seemed completely unfazed by it all, this was somewhat different!
We cleaned her up, washed her hair, changed her bed and put all the dirty things straight in the wash. She had a few sips of water and went back off to sleep, she seemed quite happy and not at all bothered that she'd had bits of sweetcorn in her hair!
Half an hour later, *cough splutter barf* it happened again. Once again, we changed, cleaned, watered her and again put her back to bed after a cuddle. Ant made us cups of tea and we anticipated how little sleep we were going to get!
She woke again at 4:30 but she didn't seem to have anything left in her so it was just a coughing fit. She woke at 7:30 and we got her up and in bed with us for her morning bottle. She was very quiet, scarily so. We cuddled her and she drank a little milk. I called the doctor for advice and he told me to monitor her temperature and just keep offering her fluids and bland food if she wanted it. We brought her downstairs to see if she wanted some plain toast, she ate teeny bits. I offered her some bits of banana, she ate a couple and then started to get weepy. I took her upstairs for a nap, she seemed very keen to be in her bed (she loves her bed) and she slept for an hour. When I got her up I could tell instantly that she wasn't happy. She is usually so smiley and happy to see you but today she was sad with tears in her eyes. She didn't want to sit on the floor with her toys, all she wanted was to be cuddled. Unfortunately, Ant had to do work so I was on my own, already full of cold myself, having had around 3 hours sleep and needing my inhaler every four hours. She sat quietly on my lap for hours, nodding off for a little nap every now and again, she was so limp. We had been checking her temperature every hour or so (very glad we got our own thermometer!) and it was always normal. She never seemed in pain, just very tired and a bit sad. She had a few sips of water throughout the day and by lunchtime she seemed really fretful. I called the doctor and they made her an appointment for that afternoon. The doctor said she had a temperature of 38 degrees (she had been 36.4 all day) so we were prescribed paracetamol to reduce it. The doctor did say that whatever we had been doing, we had done well as Violet seemed happy, relaxed and hydrated, this was a bit of good news! We brought her home after picking up her prescription and I gave her the medicine straight away, she swallowed the lot.
We sat on the floor with her toys and I just watched her playing, she was still a bit weepy but every now and again she would smile and laugh. It was then that I realised I hadn't drank or eaten all day, I had completely forgotten, this was the moment I realised I was a Mother. I had been watching her like a hawk all day and quietly crying when she lay on me completely lifeless. She was so dependent on us both, all she wanted was for us to be with her or to cuddle her, constantly raising her arms to be lifted.
She's always such a placid, indepenent baby, it was a reality check to be reminded that she was still my tiny baby and it was my responsibility to make sure she was ok and to always put her needs before my own.
I'm sure I'll look back on this and laugh at how dramatic it all seemed, but as a new parent and seeing your baby really ill for the first time is a massive emotional rollercoaster. I can't bear the thought of her ever being seriously ill, I know this is probably a trivial illness compared to what some parents are going through, but for now, and for me, this was difficult enough.
Currently she is fast asleep after having her bottle, and I am nervously eating maltesers while watching the baby monitor and listening very closely to her breathing.
I know this is the first illness of many to come, but by heck this really wasn't fun!
Here's to a good night's sleep and a happier baby tomorrow.
Vic x
Poor little V x
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