Ok, so I'm a Mother

Today I am not a Mammy, a Mum or Mama, but a Mother...

What has made me have this realisation? My daughter having her first proper illness.

Thinking about when it started, it was Monday lunchtime when Violet didn't want to eat any lunch, I thought she was just being fussy and naturally I was getting annoyed. So lunch was scrapped and she went for a short nap. She seemed ok in herself, if a little quiet but I was hopeful for a more successful dinner time, oh how wrong I was! Once again, more fussing, we tried different foods, new foods, finger foods, puree, in hindsight I now feel terrible at not realising something was wrong. So dinner was given up on and she went off for a bath. She had her usual 9oz bedtime bottle which she guzzled happily as always and went off to the land of nod easy peasy.
We went to bed early as we were both feeling poorly. At midnight I woke up hearing Ant rustling around in Violet's room, I simply thought she'd done a dirty nappy and he was changing her, I went to dim the light on my way to the bathroom and heard him say "Vic, come here something's wrong", when I entered and saw my baby covered in vomit, her cot covered in it, the walls covered in it, the remnants of an explosive nappy and vomit covered muslins on the floor, my heart dropped and a rush of panic washed over me.
Violet has only ever had a snuffly cold, which lasted no longer than a day and she always seemed completely unfazed by it all, this was somewhat different!
We cleaned her up, washed her hair, changed her bed and put all the dirty things straight in the wash. She had a few sips of water and went back off to sleep, she seemed quite happy and not at all bothered that she'd had bits of sweetcorn in her hair!
Half an hour later, *cough splutter barf* it happened again. Once again, we changed, cleaned, watered her and again put her back to bed after a cuddle. Ant made us cups of tea and we anticipated how little sleep we were going to get!
She woke again at 4:30 but she didn't seem to have anything left in her so it was just a coughing fit. She woke at 7:30 and we got her up and in bed with us for her morning bottle. She was very quiet, scarily so. We cuddled her and she drank a little milk. I called the doctor for advice and he told me to monitor her temperature and just keep offering her fluids and bland food if she wanted it. We brought her downstairs to see if she wanted some plain toast, she ate teeny bits. I offered her some bits of banana, she ate a couple and then started to get weepy. I took her upstairs for a nap, she seemed very keen to be in her bed (she loves her bed) and she slept for an hour. When I got her up I could tell instantly that she wasn't happy. She is usually so smiley and happy to see you but today she was sad with tears in her eyes. She didn't want to sit on the floor with her toys, all she wanted was to be cuddled. Unfortunately, Ant had to do work so I was on my own, already full of cold myself, having had around 3 hours sleep and needing my inhaler every four hours. She sat quietly on my lap for hours, nodding off for a little nap every now and again, she was so limp. We had been checking her temperature every hour or so (very glad we got our own thermometer!) and it was always normal. She never seemed in pain, just very tired and a bit sad. She had a few sips of water throughout the day and by lunchtime she seemed really fretful. I called the doctor and they made her an appointment for that afternoon. The doctor said she had a temperature of 38 degrees (she had been 36.4 all day) so we were prescribed paracetamol to reduce it. The doctor did say that whatever we had been doing, we had done well as Violet seemed happy, relaxed and hydrated, this was a bit of good news! We brought her home after picking up her prescription and I gave her the medicine straight away, she swallowed the lot.
We sat on the floor with her toys and I just watched her playing, she was still a bit weepy but every now and again she would smile and laugh. It was then that I realised I hadn't drank or eaten all day, I had completely forgotten, this was the moment I realised I was a Mother. I had been watching her like a hawk all day and quietly crying when she lay on me completely lifeless. She was so dependent on us both, all she wanted was for us to be with her or to cuddle her, constantly raising her arms to be lifted.
She's always such a placid, indepenent baby, it was a reality check to be reminded that she was still my tiny baby and it was my responsibility to make sure she was ok and to always put her needs before my own.
I'm sure I'll look back on this and laugh at how dramatic it all seemed, but as a new parent and seeing your baby really ill for the first time is a massive emotional rollercoaster. I can't bear the thought of her ever being seriously ill, I know this is probably a trivial illness compared to what some parents are going through, but for now, and for me, this was difficult enough.
Currently she is fast asleep after having her bottle, and I am nervously eating maltesers while watching the baby monitor and listening very closely to her breathing.
I know this is the first illness of many to come, but by heck this really wasn't fun!
Here's to a good night's sleep and a happier baby tomorrow.

Vic x

Turning 30

So then, the big 30 crept up on me at the weekend! I haven't been scared or bothered about it, more just a feeling of "feck I'm halfway to 60!"

I'd asked Ant to plan something to celebrate. Not a massive thing with lots of expense, just something my friends could afford to attend and it not be too big a fuss. I gave him a list of my friends who I thought could practicably attend and left it at that.
On the morning of my birthday I woke up to cuddles with my gorgeous baby girl and a treasure hunt of presents, including a teeny penny farthing from Queen Victoria's reign, a Radio Times from the week I was born, a comic book cover of me depicted as a superhero called Black Canary drawn by my rather clever husband, an acorn charm to reflect my hometown as the acorn is its symbol, a Daily Prophet newspaper article all about my alternate ego's escapades at Hogwarts poisoning people and escaping Azkaban, and other silly presents which fitted into the treasure hunt theme of them being my "horcruxes" (did I mention I was a massive Harry Potter geek?!) One was even buried in the garden but obviously I made Ant go and get that one as it was freezing outside!

So that was lots of fun and I must express my thanks and love for my hubby at this point. He put so much effort into it all and each of my gifts were so thoughtful.

After all this excitement it was time to pack Baby V up ready to go to her grandparents as they had kindly offered to have her for the night so we could have a night off. It was Violet's first time being away from both of us and I was a little sad but she sees them a lot and apparenty was a complete dream, she ate well, slept well and played well, a very happy and proud mammy I was!
So we hiked it over to Manchester, stayed until she went down for a nap and scooted back to Leeds to get in party mode.
When we got home the house was so quiet and felt very empty! We tidied up a little and shortly afterwards my lovely friend Jo arrived. Not only had she brought me an amazing homemade birthday cake covered in little iced violets, but she had a milk jug made for me and she had hand painted a watercolour of violets and had it printed onto the jug along with the date of my 30th birthday inside, I was astonished that she went to so much trouble, it was really lovely.
We chilled out and chatted for a while and decided to crack open a bottle of pink champagne I got given when Violet was born, it was scrumptious! As it turns out getting ready and applying make up take a lot longer after a bottle of champers, but we got there eventually with eye liner intact! We lit my birthday candles and Jo and Ant sang me Happy Birthday, then Ant had to leave to do secret stuff at the venue. Rach and Rob came round shortly after and she got me my only helium balloon (I like to get balloons, then it really feels like a party!) and her mammy, whom I have also known since I was 9, had knitted me one of her classic retro fair isle jumpers! I was pretty chuffed to say the least! So then we all headed out to town.
I arrived and there was my lonesome husband sat in a corner adorned with bunting saying "Happy 30th Birthday Vic", flags with different photos of me on each one, numerous wall mounted photos of me depicted as the Queen and one of my lovely baby to make sure she was with us! The bar, called The Backroom, was fab. Its a fairly new bar on Call Lane and the staff were so helpful. They had filled a table with everything we needed to make gin & tonics and also included some old fashioned sweets which we all scoffed! The music was fab and they played numerous requests, although I drank too much gin to remember them all but I do remember my request of No Diggity coming on and being rather excited!
The night consisted of catching up with all my lovely friends, hearing their exciting news, getting some lovely gifts, free jaegerbombs, a bit of crying, a bit of dancing, shouting at a young trashy tart (she shouted first!) and wobbling home and eating a homemade paella pizza as the takeaway had shut! All in all, a successful day and night!
Needless to say the next day consisted of being in a daze, eating dirty mcdonalds breakfast, having to drive in the snow over to Manchester to pick Violet up, coming home and going to bed shortly after Violet did! So yes, Sunday was a write off!

Once again, thank you to my lovely friends for coming and celebrating my birthday. Thank you for all my lovely gifts. Thanks to Jo for my cake and helping Ant in planning and making all the decorations. Most of all thank you to my wonderful and thoughtful husband for making my 30th very special and making sure I had a great time, which I did.

ttfn, Vic

Climbing up the Walls

Hello Again

Time for some honest writing about being sad! *waves goodbye to some readers*!

At present I am a little glum (please don't sigh). I always knew not living near family and having a baby would be hard and something I can't change but lately I guess I've been finding it harder than usual, I have friends in Leeds but I lack a support network that you only get from family. I try not to moan about it too much, infact, I think I bottle a lot up, but last week it all just came pouring out!

Because of all of this we have been seriously discussing moving. We're unsure where at the moment but we know that we have to be in a chosen area a year before Violet starts school, as it wouldn't be fair to move Violet into different schools. We want to be somewhere she can be settled.

The question is where?! I have family and close friends in the north east, also some family I could really reconnect with which would be nice. The drawback? My sister would be even further away, Ant's parents also further away and that there aren't many jobs up there!
Then there is the option of moving nearer Ant's parents. We have a couple of friends that way and Ant could possibly transfer his existing job there. The drawback. We can't afford to live in the better areas, certainly nowhere that close to his parents.
Moving south doesn't really feel like something either of us want to do. We only really know my sister and her family down there and as lovely as it would be to see her a lot, I would really miss my friends. So the dilemma continues! Decisions need to be made, even if it means moving just out of Leeds to a smaller village or town, we need to figure it out soon!

My lovely friend Jo came to my rescue on Saturday night. I had called her that afternoon in somewhat of a stressed pickle (rather stupidly over trying to find a party outfit for my birthday!) which then proceeded to escalate into a full on sobfest and the realisation that my outburst wasn't really over an outfit at all. She turned up on my doorstep a couple of hours later to surprise me and helped me figure out how to sort my stupid brain out. Hence the blog of spilling it all out! We talked about the negative things and addressed what can be done to help the bits that I can change and I just need to try and accept the things I can't change (these are the things that stress me out the most!)
She says I need to talk about the positive things in my life out loud and remind myself of them every day. I also thought that just letting it all out and being honest about how much of a pleb I am being (that's me making light of depression!) might actually start to help.

I'm sure some people reading this will be thinking I sound like a right misery guts. Well, I'm not apologising! I find if you don't let these things out then they start to eat you away from the inside, so this is my first step into helping myself get better! I'm not after any pity, I certainly don't enjoy moaning or feeling like this, I don't want anyone to say "oh I'm sorry you feel like this" I'm sure those who are reading this will know how to help me in their own ways, the same way I try to help them.

I promise this will be my only "woe is me" blog. I just wanted to put it out there that yes I am really rather sad of late, I need to cut out the people/things that make me sadder, work on the relationships that I do love, accept the things I cannot change will not change for me and work on changing the things I can. People won't do any of this for me, I must do it for myself. I will become less of a doormat and be more assertive about what I want and need out of life.

You get back what you put in through life, and this I must relay to myself as a new mantra!

Phew, now that that's over, I will think of a more enlightening blog for next time!

Bye for now